How To "Beat the Heat"
1. Wrap arm tightly around Heat’s neck, punch it repeatedly in the abdomen, demand its tzedakah money or you will steal its talit.
2. Go to the park down the street, start a water fight with summer campers, frolic gayly while flinging water from bottles at screaming 12-year-olds, think briefly about the impending global water shortage and how despite a majority of the people in India lacking in clean water, 90% of said water is used to grow products for Coca Cola, sigh, shrug shoulders, continue throwing water at 12-year-olds despite guilt pangs.
3. Stick head in freezer and leave it there until death. Death is better than this.
4. Never leave air conditioned apartment, re-experience guilt pangs, this time associated with environmental impact of air conditioner being left on all day, moan and tear at hair and rend clothing, sigh, shrug, flip on HBO On Demand and see if the new “Deadwood” is up.
5. Wait until sun goes down, go to park, play an unbelievably intense game of soccer, lose several pounds due to gallons sweated out, come home, take cold shower. Relief experienced will surpass most orgasms.
6. Watch Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth,” re-re-experience guilt pangs about global warming, the snows of Kilimanjaro, the drowning of polar bears, hurricanes, floods, pestilence, starvation, oil company profits, on and on and on, grow several shades of red upon learning how members of Congress resist doing anything about it until more evidence is acquired, as if the thousands of people dying from the heat is not a giant red fucking flag, sigh, roll eyes, flip on HBO On Demand and see if new “Entourage” is up.
7. Sit on front stoop, look up into the sky, wipe brow with handkerchief, whistle and say, “Woowee! Shore is hot today!” If some one responds, “Boy howdy,” you’ve technically beaten the heat. Blade of grass to chew on is optional.
8. This is you: "Boo hoo! It's too hot! Mama!" Just thank God you don't live in Lebanon, you ungrateful fuck.
9. Walk around town with sack of ice down one’s pants, and when someone snidely comments on the stain, merely state, “Eleventy hundred degree heat always makes me incontinent. What’s your excuse?”
10. Give up. Heat will never be beaten. Concede defeat and welcome our new Fiery Overlords from Hell.
2. Go to the park down the street, start a water fight with summer campers, frolic gayly while flinging water from bottles at screaming 12-year-olds, think briefly about the impending global water shortage and how despite a majority of the people in India lacking in clean water, 90% of said water is used to grow products for Coca Cola, sigh, shrug shoulders, continue throwing water at 12-year-olds despite guilt pangs.
3. Stick head in freezer and leave it there until death. Death is better than this.
4. Never leave air conditioned apartment, re-experience guilt pangs, this time associated with environmental impact of air conditioner being left on all day, moan and tear at hair and rend clothing, sigh, shrug, flip on HBO On Demand and see if the new “Deadwood” is up.
5. Wait until sun goes down, go to park, play an unbelievably intense game of soccer, lose several pounds due to gallons sweated out, come home, take cold shower. Relief experienced will surpass most orgasms.
6. Watch Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth,” re-re-experience guilt pangs about global warming, the snows of Kilimanjaro, the drowning of polar bears, hurricanes, floods, pestilence, starvation, oil company profits, on and on and on, grow several shades of red upon learning how members of Congress resist doing anything about it until more evidence is acquired, as if the thousands of people dying from the heat is not a giant red fucking flag, sigh, roll eyes, flip on HBO On Demand and see if new “Entourage” is up.
7. Sit on front stoop, look up into the sky, wipe brow with handkerchief, whistle and say, “Woowee! Shore is hot today!” If some one responds, “Boy howdy,” you’ve technically beaten the heat. Blade of grass to chew on is optional.
8. This is you: "Boo hoo! It's too hot! Mama!" Just thank God you don't live in Lebanon, you ungrateful fuck.
9. Walk around town with sack of ice down one’s pants, and when someone snidely comments on the stain, merely state, “Eleventy hundred degree heat always makes me incontinent. What’s your excuse?”
10. Give up. Heat will never be beaten. Concede defeat and welcome our new Fiery Overlords from Hell.
posted by Ricardo at 1:35 PM
4 Comments:
This might need to be a 12-step process.
I refuse to accept that heat can't be beaten. You're giving in FAR too easily! I say heat needs a big old wedgie and a noogie.
Knees up splash
Hey, at least you have air-conditioning. Me? I'm going to bed at night marveling at producing sweat from places I didn't even realize contained pores.
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