Allow myself to introduce...myself

It’s really hot outside right now so I decided to stay in and start a blog. And not just any old blog, but one with the potential to change the world. A blog that will force Israel and Palestine to get along. Reverse global warming. Reanimate extinct species (hello, dodo). A blog as sumptuous to eat as a melty red velvet cake while the sun blazes down, blistering everything in its sights. A blog to end all blogs. A blog to eternity. A streetcar named blog. A panacea for an ailing world, a planet sucked dry by a vampiric species (hello, human). A blog to bring a smile to the faces of humorless old people. A blog to cuddle up with late at night while it sings Cat Stevens songs in your ear and strokes your hair in that totally unsexual yet comforting way that my babysitter used to do while unbuttoning my pants and telling me never to tell anyone. Eherm. Heh.

I’m just kidding. This blog is going to suck.

But that’s OK. That’s the great thing about blogs, right? Neither high-art nor low-art, they occupy a space in our cultural hierarchy that allows them to completely defy expectations. When you read a really great blog, you go, “A ha! So that’s what talented writing looks like.” But when you read a truly awful blog, you merely shrug your shoulders and go, “Meh. There’s no shortage of douche bags in this world, and definitely no shortage of douche bags with high-speed internet connections.” So, I hope this blog doesn’t make you go “meh” or “a ha.” I’m looking for a comfortable medium. Sort of a “meh ha” type of reaction.

So what’s it going to be about? Psshw. Don’t worry about it, esse. I’ll take care of that. But, if you’re really curious and you’re not going to let it go, then I guess I can preview some topics that have been popping around in my head like motherfucking Redenbacher. Holla!

1. Why the world is such a shitty place right now, and yet I continue to find ways to enjoy myself. (I.e., why the beach kicks eleventy hundred different types of ass.)
2. My friends and how I can embarrass them (such as a treatise on the social ramifications of their tiny penises, their lack of talent on the soccer field, and awful senses of humor).
3. Journalism, cause I like it and its what I wanna do...for money and stuff.
4. New York and Brooklyn, cause I just moved here and its fucking awesome. Heya!
5. Music, specifically truly excellent music and why your taste in music is boring and awful.
6. Why I am such a prick, but more importantly, where I live so you can come over here and kick my ass.
7. Red velvet cake.
8. And so forth.

You get the idea. Pretty much whatever pops into my delicious little head. So sit back and watch the fireworks. Who knows? This will probably be my last post.